This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
