i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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