this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
