Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
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