the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
