A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
