they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
