my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
my sisters under your porch take her home
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
