Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
