you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
