He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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