He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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