i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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