Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
