I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you will always have a special place in my vag
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
