that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
