seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
