why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
