I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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