Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
