Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
