I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
