im gay
i know
yea but for you.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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