I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
