Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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