That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
