I wish I could teleport
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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