It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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