just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
