there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
