In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
