I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
