Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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