I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
