i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
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