I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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