So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
The power of my boobs compel you
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
