You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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