Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
