she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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