I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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