yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
