God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
