bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
