i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
