Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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