My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
