he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
The Olympian is in my bed
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
