Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize