He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Randomize
