matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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