She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
