Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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