I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
