PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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