Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
