i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
